well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize