You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
