Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
