FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
