I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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