god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
