Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
