where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
