her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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