FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
