if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
