He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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