I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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