now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
