I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
