so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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