my phone needs a breathalizer
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
