Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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