im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
