If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
