she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
