I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
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