dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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