I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
