I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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