just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
