onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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