she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
