New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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