I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
