This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
