peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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