So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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