I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
