The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
