You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
