his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
