upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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