Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
