headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
