I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
