Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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