watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
