i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
