What did we do last night that was yellow?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
