apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
