I haven't been this sober since birth.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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