Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
