I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
