No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
