why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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