Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
