you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
