i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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