So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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